I Want to See the Sun Again

The past few weeks have been dark. Spring has ended, without me enjoying it. All the time I was wrapped up in some work or the other.

Endless hours are spent either in my room or the class room 1 in IIIT-D, in front of a laptop. I long to get out and see the world. But I know I can't. Why? Just because I have no time. Homeworks and Assignments occupy the entire time I have. Even when I'm not doing them, my brain is sub-consciously worrying over them.

I'm gradually becoming out of touch with the world. I haven't read the newspaper since ages. I'm losing the ability to talk to "normal" people. In fact, if there is no Computer Science in the discussion, I make known my displeasure and go back to my work. I get angry very easily these days and am regularly stressed out. And as for human relationships, I've started analyzing them in a "Gradgrindian" type of way.

But what is much more disturbing to me is that I feel I'm losing my motivation to learn. I have always cared more about learning and applying the knowledge for the betterment of the world. I have always enjoyed learning something new. And whenever an assignment was given, I always thought about what I could do beyond that. But recently, in the last one month, I'm having doubts about my attitude to learning. The huge amount of pressure and stress leaves no time for thinking beyond the assignments. Studies has become limited to ultra-short term goals - finish this assignment or write this code. And in some courses I've given up trying to understand the bigger picture and have decided to focus on maximizing the amount of marks I can get.

I start from home in the morning and come back in the evening. I sit and work in the darkened classrooms most part of the day. At night I am awake most of the time and work by the light of my laptop. And next day, the pattern will repeat like an infinite loop.

I want to see the sun again.

Celebrating Holi Online

Since I have so much work this weekend, it leaves me precious little time to actually celebrate Holi. We didn't even celebrate Holi in college this time. So I'm longing to go out tomorrow and enjoy like a child, mixing colours in the water, preparing water balloons, pelting unsuspecting people with them....

Back to reality. I know it won't happen. I mean I might go out, but enjoying like a child is out of question. So here the Holi sms I sent to my friends this time. In fact I was searching for a geeky/nerdy Holi sms (or even something connected with Image Processing), but couldn't find one. So had to compose one myself. Here's it.

#FF00FF, #FFFF00, #00FF00, #000800, #0000FF, #FF00FF, #800080, #C0C0C0, #FFA500 ...and millions others. They add colour to our computer screen (and indirectly to our lives). Let's dedicate tomorrow to them. Wishing you a very Happy Holi.

PS- If you still haven't got it, these are the hexadecimal colour codes for HTML. And there are 16 million colours.

This probably shows that I now consider working on the computer as my life. And this is a message that is geeky/nerdy and has references to Image Processing too. I guess this Holi will be spent online, but that doesn't mean it cannot be fun!

A very Happy Holi to all of you!

A Tale of Feelings

(Recently I read a story written by a student of the Robotics Institute at Carnegie Mellon University (CMU). The uniqueness of the story was that it was written entirely using questions. I had never come across anything like this before. It made a profound impact on me - both the style of writing and the story. Unfortunately, I didn't save a copy, and the Google group where I read it no longer exists. Not wanting it to be forgotten, I am writing it down here, to the best of my efforts, in the same style. If anybody can locate the original story, please leave a comment)



(Plagiarism Clarification - In short, this story is not my original. I'm posting it because I liked it. Full credit to the original poster. For those who would accuse me of plagiarism: I couldn't cite the link because the source doesn't exist anymore.)

How bad would you feel is you missed a test? How bad would you feel if you missed it because you came 15 minutes late? How much more bad would it be, if you were there in the institute all day long (and had come specially for this class), and then came late? And that you were late not because it took time to travel from home, but because you were a bit careless?

How nervous would you be if you woke up and realized that you are not at home but in the lab? How much more, if you realized that the class had started 15 minutes before? How stupid would you feel descending the steps to the floor below and walking up to the door of the class? How ashamed would you feel pushing open the door, facing the course instructor, looking up at his face and asking permission to come in?

How sad would you feel when you saw his tired and disappointed face? How shocking would it be to find out that he had planned a surprise test for that class, on which he had spent so much effort designing? And a kind of test which you yourself liked very much? How hurting it would be to hear the fact that you wouldn't be allowed to give the test? That you would have to leave it this time?

How angry would you feel on hearing this? How mad would you be at the whole world? How fed up would you be with yourself for missing something you loved? And that too just because you were working hard last night and didn't get a chance to sleep?

How sorry would you feel meeting him after the class is over? How surprised would you be to see that he is not angry with you at all? That despite your own mistake, he is ready to forgive you and forget this incident as if it never happened? And he encourages you to think ahead and not give much importance to that which is past?

How reassured would you feel when he suggests you to try all the questions (even though it would not be graded)? And he smiles at you and gives you a printed copy of the test when you merely requested a soft copy?

How glad would you feel to find out that he is a rare person who cares so much about you and your future? One who feels that it is more important to learn and know the subject than merely perform? One who understands your passion and commitment to learn and encourages you to stick to it? And finally, one who realizes how much you would have loved giving the test and lets you do so (although officially it would be ungraded)?

How happy would you feel to realize that he is the rare person who believes in you and appreciates you as you are?

How lucky and fortunate would you consider yourself to have an instructor like him?

And Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson

The title is a bit misleading. But this was the first thought that came to my mind when this incident happened.

Yesterday I had a double DCF (Digital and Cyber Forensics) Class. The first one from 11:30 AM to 1:00 PM. And the second one from 2:30 PM to 4:00 PM. Now DCF is a course which I really like. Don't mistake it for the fact that I get the top marks in the course; I am just average. But still I really like the course. It is just one of the rare things you like even if you are not the best in it. One of the other reasons might be the kick I get out of fancying myself a "Computer Forensic Scientist".

Anyway, during the second class, a discussion on recovering data from file systems was going on. The subject was no doubt interesting to me, but then I didn't have any sleep last night. And inevitably I started the downward slide to the sleepy state. Had I not been interested in the topic discussed, I might have fallen asleep immediately. Thankfully though, interest can fight sleep to some extent. And thus, I floated in and out of sleep.

I vaguely remember something on file carving was going on. And then a discussion on the difference between file recovery and file carving. And then when I opened my eyes, a Wikipedia page on file carving was projected on the white-board. That's when it all happened. Something seemed to catch my eye. Near the bottom of the page, in the references section, it was written "Simon & Garfunkel". Wow! All of a sudden I had forgotten how tired and sleepy I was. I couldn't believe that Simon & Garfunkel were forensic scientists. There had to be an explanation for it. Maybe they had worked on it while in university and later moved on to being full time musicians. Or maybe, just maybe, Mrs. Robinson did have some sort of forensic connection. I mentally made up a note to check out the popular culture section of the forensics article.

Sadly this was not to be. It seemed I had made a mistake. Unable to read through my blurry eyes, my brain had assumed the best prediction. What was actually written was Simson Garfinkel. And thus, I came crashing down to reality.

What an anticlimax it was. It would have been so much better and interesting had the duo turned out to be forensic scientists. It's little things like these that make studying anything interesting. It's things like these that can make a person come out of sleep. Anyhow, right now I am back to reality. But I am still wondering how Mrs. Robinson would have reacted had she read this...

Still No Rest

This week is now about to ends. Mid-sems are now a long forgotten event. That is excluding the times when I received the checked answer sheets back. Classes are on in full swing.

Last week I was sick of all the work. There seemed no end to it. Well, the situation is still the same now (assignments, projects, research etc). Except that I no longer worry about the situation in the past week. New worries have overwritten the old worries. The human brain can only handle a limited amount of worries I guess. And this makes me wonder...if only I had a computer where I could siphon out all my worries and enjoy life.

Wishful thinking aside, I have decided to challenge the coming week head on. There's seriously no use of ranting about such stuff. They will keep on coming. So I have taken this opportunity to test my efficiency. This coming week, I will try to maximize the efficiency in my work. If efficiency is low, then I'll work for as long as necessary. The ultimate goal is to finish all tasks by Saturday, so that I can get a well deserved rest on Sunday.

In fifteen minutes the race is scheduled to start. "On your your mark! Get set! Go!"

And I'll be running a race to win!

No Rest

My mid-semester exams got over last week (on Thursday). On Friday I had a Machine Learning class, on Saturday I had to correct exam papers for the DSA course I am a TA of, on Sunday I had to do the reviews for Technical Writing and code the first deliverable for the Information Retrieval project. And now some work or the other is arriving in a steady line.

Once upon a time, I used to long for work. I remember working all the time in the summers and winters on some project or the other. And somehow, I never felt it was tedious. I guess it was because I really loved to do it. In that sense, it was not work but fun. Most people I know spent their vacations having fun too. But yeah, their definition of fun was different from mine. For me fun meant working as many hours a day as possible in front of a computer screen and trying to solve some research problem in computer science.

That was then. Somehow the situation is different now. It seems there is too much work everyday. I don't find time to do anything other than coursework. I spend a lot of time trying to optimize time usage, but sadly nothing works. I regularly stay awake late nights to work and consequently fall asleep during the class (and by that, I mean when a lecture is going on). Concentration in class is at an all time low. And all this results in me struggling to understand concepts taught in class. And add to this the extra TA duties I have to perform.

Is handling so much work going to help? What good will it do ultimately? I have always desired to do something new and innovative. But I'm afraid this workload is gradually pushing out this desire from me. If all the time is spent on coursework, it leaves no time to pursue one's interests. How can we even think of innovation then? Yet sadly, this is what seems to be happening. In fact I feel as if I am losing interest in computer science as a whole.

I don't want to lose my faith in the system. I still remember the words "If you can't respect the system which you are a part of, how can you respect yourself?". But it is not really about respecting or not respecting. It is more about "can we make it better? can we have some change?"

Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!
And I sincerely believe in it.

Work Work Work

This week is one of the most hectic I have faced since the beginning of this semester. I know that being in the sixth semester, I really shouldn't be surprised with so much work. The last 5 semesters at IIIT-Delhi (which I shall henceforth refer as IIIT-D) have taught me that too much work is the rule rather than the exception. And I know that it is ultimately for the best. But still, this week has much more work than usual.

I have some homework or assignment left in each of the 5 subjects I am taking. Add to that the research projects I am currently pursuing. And then I am also a TA for DSA(Data Structures and Algorithms), which means that I need to grade lab tests too. This much is considered "manageable" by me. What makes this week "hectic" is the fact that next week I have mid-semester exams.

Midsem Schedule

The courses I took up this semester are Information Retrieval (IR), Machine Learning (ML), Pattern Recognition (PR), Digital and Cyber Forensics (DCF, although due to some strange reason it is almost always shortened to DSF, including in this datesheet) and Technical Writing (TW). TW being a Communication Skills course doesn't have any written midsem. So effectively I have 4 exams coming up of which 2 are on Monday itself.

I wish I could say that I have revised everything twice over, that I know all the concepts by heart, that I can relax and confidently go and give the exam...but I can't. This time (just like all the times before) I couldn't manage time. I didn't put in more effort when I had some free time. I didn't realize that ultimately it would get this busy. I didn't realize a lot of things.

Once this is over I guess I'll laugh about it. But right now it is making me mad.