The past few weeks have been dark. Spring has ended, without me enjoying it. All the time I was wrapped up in some work or the other.
Endless hours are spent either in my room or the class room 1 in IIIT-D, in front of a laptop. I long to get out and see the world. But I know I can't. Why? Just because I have no time. Homeworks and Assignments occupy the entire time I have. Even when I'm not doing them, my brain is sub-consciously worrying over them.
I'm gradually becoming out of touch with the world. I haven't read the newspaper since ages. I'm losing the ability to talk to "normal" people. In fact, if there is no Computer Science in the discussion, I make known my displeasure and go back to my work. I get angry very easily these days and am regularly stressed out. And as for human relationships, I've started analyzing them in a "Gradgrindian" type of way.
But what is much more disturbing to me is that I feel I'm losing my motivation to learn. I have always cared more about learning and applying the knowledge for the betterment of the world. I have always enjoyed learning something new. And whenever an assignment was given, I always thought about what I could do beyond that. But recently, in the last one month, I'm having doubts about my attitude to learning. The huge amount of pressure and stress leaves no time for thinking beyond the assignments. Studies has become limited to ultra-short term goals - finish this assignment or write this code. And in some courses I've given up trying to understand the bigger picture and have decided to focus on maximizing the amount of marks I can get.
I start from home in the morning and come back in the evening. I sit and work in the darkened classrooms most part of the day. At night I am awake most of the time and work by the light of my laptop. And next day, the pattern will repeat like an infinite loop.
I want to see the sun again.
Endless hours are spent either in my room or the class room 1 in IIIT-D, in front of a laptop. I long to get out and see the world. But I know I can't. Why? Just because I have no time. Homeworks and Assignments occupy the entire time I have. Even when I'm not doing them, my brain is sub-consciously worrying over them.
I'm gradually becoming out of touch with the world. I haven't read the newspaper since ages. I'm losing the ability to talk to "normal" people. In fact, if there is no Computer Science in the discussion, I make known my displeasure and go back to my work. I get angry very easily these days and am regularly stressed out. And as for human relationships, I've started analyzing them in a "Gradgrindian" type of way.
But what is much more disturbing to me is that I feel I'm losing my motivation to learn. I have always cared more about learning and applying the knowledge for the betterment of the world. I have always enjoyed learning something new. And whenever an assignment was given, I always thought about what I could do beyond that. But recently, in the last one month, I'm having doubts about my attitude to learning. The huge amount of pressure and stress leaves no time for thinking beyond the assignments. Studies has become limited to ultra-short term goals - finish this assignment or write this code. And in some courses I've given up trying to understand the bigger picture and have decided to focus on maximizing the amount of marks I can get.
I start from home in the morning and come back in the evening. I sit and work in the darkened classrooms most part of the day. At night I am awake most of the time and work by the light of my laptop. And next day, the pattern will repeat like an infinite loop.
I want to see the sun again.
No comments:
Post a Comment